Not a Hero

Underneath it all, truth be told, I thought I was a hero-in-waiting. 

My time would come when I would save the world.

Other things seem to have got in way quite a lot - not insignificantly the ME/CFS.

In fact the ME/CFS has been around such a long time that I have periodically revised the timetable for when I might be called upon to be the right person in the right place at the right time.

In fact, I had pretty much become convinced that the ME/CFS might mean it would never happen after all.

And this has sometimes been a cause for sadness - a grief for lost futures.

More recently, however, I've become aware that I am in fact a small child, desperate for attention, and have been for the past 5 decades.

My long-awaited expectation for the opportunity to express my heroism is actually just a sign of emotional underdevelopment.

Probably no point in sewing my pants to the outside of my trousers then...

Why do I have to be the grown up?

“Why do I have to be the grown up?”

“Because someone has to be, and it looks like you're the only one capable of being so, even if you don't want to be.” I can hear the voice in my head. It could be my mother's.

Of course, I can be right and they can be wrong – but they won't see it that way. And if I persist, then the stakes will get higher and higher until real damage is done.

It's not fair! Why am I the only one who seems to see this early enough to back down, even though I know they are the one being unreasonable?

I resent them more for this, and so part of me wants to continue escalating, wants to lash out, wants to hurt, to prove the point.

But still I see the damage that will cause, so I have to be the adult, the one to back down, even though I still know them to be unreasonable in their position. If I persist in being right, we will all lose.

Why can't they see it too?

Why do I have to be the grown up in this?

Because someone has to be, and it looks like I'm the only one capable of being so, even if I don't want to be.

Are you normal, or other?

The idea of "normality" is just a loosely defined convention acting as a fragile meeting ground of vastly different ways of thinking and perceiving the world.

No one is actually "normal," instead we all overlap sections of it like a giant venn diagram.

The problem comes when, instead of understanding that no two people see the world in the same way, we are told that anyone who does not fully reside inside this construct is an "other".

Dividing the world into Us and Them has always been a way to control people. We all live in fear of being found out that there are aspects to us which would exclude us from the very narrow definition of what it is to be acceptable.

We are all "other".

I'm not a royalist, but...

With the death of Her Maj, I have seen so many of my social media connections somehow feeling the need to comment about her in a favourable way, even though they would normally count themselves as republicans, or anti-monarchy, or anti-hierarchy, or anti-being-ruled-over-by-a-stinkingly-rich-elite.

But now, they say, whatever our feelings about such things, we must put them aside because the nation is in mourning and an old woman has died and her family will be grieving and it is so disrespectful to say otherwise.

But then, why say anything at all?

Fair enough if you don't want to offend, but why join in with the posh-washing?

If one of the Kardashians (or insert any other wealthy celebrity family of choice) died, would it be fitting for me to come out and publicly say that although I disagree with the whole notion of the celebrity worship culture that is almost epitomised by the Kardashians, this is a terrible time for a family who have lost a loved one?

And if so, why am I not publicly expressing my support for the families of the 178,000 other people who die every day across the world?

In the end, the only thing I wrote on Facebook was *cough* virtue-signalling *cough* but didn't hit enter.

I sat staring at it for a full 2 minutes before concluding that all I would be doing is upsetting a few people for a few seconds for my own self satisfaction, and what's the point in that? 

Each person's righteous outburst on FB is toxic to someone else.

So I deleted it before I could change my mind, and it was never posted.

Instead I wrote about the whole thing here on this blog post as a way of getting it off my chest, secure in the knowledge that it's unlikely to be seen by more than 2 or 3 people at most.

Actually, I did also type, "love the monarch, hate the monarchy", on the page of someone who has been known to write "love the sinner, hate the sin" about homosexuality. But I don't think they understood...

Last time I climbed a tree

 I didn't know that the last time I climbed a tree would be the last time I would climb a tree.

Good and Evil

The Eternal Battle Between Good and Evil is basically the continual conflict between compassion and selfishness.

We all have the capacity for both, but which one dominates?

When selfishness rules, then the world becomes a more dangerous place, a far more unpleasant place to live.

But when compassion is foremost, then pain is eased and life feels like it has purpose beyond just struggling to exist.

Forget personified deities.

Forget an afterlife of heaven or hell.

Forget Karma over several lifetimes

Quite simply, the more selfish everyone is, the more hellish life becomes.

I am alive - until I'm not

 Somehow, I find this thought very comforting.

And what world do you live in?

I don't think I want to be self employed anymore.

I don't want the endless uncertainty and responsibility.

I want a job.

But I want than job to be well paid, secure, and doing something I enjoy.

Aye, there's the rub...

Lost Potential

 My world is a seething mass of stuff I've not done...

WTF, Kim?

"You know," he said, "when you used to tell me about these photo shoot ideas of yours, I would nod and smile, but inside I couldn't imagine they would look any good. But over the years, every time you've produced something great so I've stopped being overly concerned about it."

"So what you're saying," I said, "is when I enthusiastically tell you about the latest shoot I'm planning to do, like this one I've just told you about, your first thought is 'What the fuck, Kim?' which is then followed by, 'Oh, it'll probably be OK because he's got a track record now.'?"

"Er, yes, kind of..." he said, noticing my eyes had narrowed somewhat, "but it's a compliment!"

It had honestly never occurred to me that someone might think this way. Whenever I get an idea, I'm so stoked about it, I assume everyone else will be too - not that they are thinking I'm completely off my trolley but against all the odds somehow seem to make it work.

I'm still not completely convinced this is a compliment...