Why do I have to be the grown up?

“Why do I have to be the grown up?”

“Because someone has to be, and it looks like you're the only one capable of being so, even if you don't want to be.” I can hear the voice in my head. It could be my mother's.

Of course, I can be right and they can be wrong – but they won't see it that way. And if I persist, then the stakes will get higher and higher until real damage is done.

It's not fair! Why am I the only one who seems to see this early enough to back down, even though I know they are the one being unreasonable?

I resent them more for this, and so part of me wants to continue escalating, wants to lash out, wants to hurt, to prove the point.

But still I see the damage that will cause, so I have to be the adult, the one to back down, even though I still know them to be unreasonable in their position. If I persist in being right, we will all lose.

Why can't they see it too?

Why do I have to be the grown up in this?

Because someone has to be, and it looks like I'm the only one capable of being so, even if I don't want to be.

Are you normal, or other?

The idea of "normality" is just a loosely defined convention acting as a fragile meeting ground of vastly different ways of thinking and perceiving the world.

No one is actually "normal," instead we all overlap sections of it like a giant venn diagram.

The problem comes when, instead of understanding that no two people see the world in the same way, we are told that anyone who does not fully reside inside this construct is an "other".

Dividing the world into Us and Them has always been a way to control people. We all live in fear of being found out that there are aspects to us which would exclude us from the very narrow definition of what it is to be acceptable.

We are all "other".

And what world do you live in?

I don't think I want to be self employed anymore.

I don't want the endless uncertainty and responsibility.

I want a job.

But I want than job to be well paid, secure, and doing something I enjoy.

Aye, there's the rub...

I'm not OK about not feeling OK

Stop telling me that it's OK not to feel OK!

The whole thing about not feeling OK is that I'm not OK with it!

I get what you're trying to say is that under the current circumstances it's perfectly natural to not feel OK, and there's no need to add extra guilt, or beat myself up about not being OK.

But I'm still not OK with not being OK!

Not being OK feels like a crock of shit, and I don't like it – it's not OK!

I want to stop feeling I'm not OK.

And you telling me it's OK not to feel OK isn't making me feel any better.

It might be making YOU feel better to tell me it's OK not to feel OK, because it helps distract you from not feeling OK.

But it's only making me feel even more useless that I can't be OK with not feeling OK.

I just want to stop feeling not OK.

The heavy weight of responsibility

If I found myself trapped in the body of a snail, ambitions or a heavy sense of responsibility to make the world a better place would be utterly pointless.

As it would if I was trapped in the body of a seagull.

Or a monkey.

In each case, if I knew I was there for the rest of my life, I would just have to make the most of it and enjoy whatever I could, within the parameters of my existence.

Is it so different if I'm trapped in the body of a human?

A demon on her shoulder

There was a demon on her shoulder, but she couldn’t see it.

It used her own voice so she believed what it said to be true.

It gorged on her doubts, her anxieties and her fears. She fed it every day.

It first appeared when she was young. Smaller than a ladybird it would whisper into her ear.

Now it was huge; its long black tendrils embracing, writhing, squeezing the life out of her.

It weighed nothing but was heavier than the world.

There was a demon on her shoulder, but she couldn’t see it.

I could see it.

But if I told her about it, it would cover her ears. If I pointed to it, it would turn her head the other way. If I drew her attention to its lies, it would get angry and make her cry, until I backed off.

When it was distracted I would feed her love to make her stronger.

And sometimes the demon would weaken and shrink.

But because she didn’t believe it was there, she didn’t recognise its voice that sounded oh so like hers.

And when I was distracted it would whisper into her ear and she would unknowingly start feeding it again.

So I was never able to defeat it.

There was a demon on her shoulder, but she couldn’t see it.

Letting Go

Standing at the top of the cliff, he released his baggage - bit by bit - tumbling down the rocks into the sea below, until eventually it was all gone.

Then he leapt off and flew.

Population control

The eco-friendly way of coping with over-population of parasites or any species, is to introduce natural predators to keep them under control: wolves to keep deer populations down, ladybirds for greenfly; lobsters for sea-urchins etc.

Does this mean the best way to keep the human population under control would be to introduce predators?

Education

"Education is a system of imposed ignorance"
Naom Chomsky

Designing...

Rather than designing clothes for women, it appears the fashion industry designs women for clothes.