Exquisitely Evolved

Over millions of years, our bodies, brains, thoughts and emotions have exquisitely evolved for a hunter-gatherer, tribal existence.

And yet...

The closest I get to being a hunter is trying to find a better broadband tariff.

The closest I get to being a gatherer is shopping online.

And the closest I have to a tribal existence is interacting with people via words on a screen, who mostly seem to be preoccupied with potholes and immigrants, while insane, psychopathic industry and political leaders are hell-bent on destroying the world and humanity in order to temporarily increase their wealth and power.

Is it any wonder why I frequently feel my body, brain, thoughts and emotions aren't coping particularly well?

Hop along now...

The revelations I'm going through at the moment, exploring the it-might-not-yet-have-been-officially-diagnosed-but-hey-who-are-we-trying-to-kid likelihood that I have ADHD, is continually shifting the whole world beneath my feet.

Imagine for a moment you reach the age of 56 and suddenly discover that for your entire life you have only ever had one leg but never realised it. 

After reading other people's accounts of being a uni-ped - particularly those who weren't diagnosed in childhood - recognition of their experiences causes you to notice for the first time that you too have been struggling to perform in a world that was never really designed for you, no matter how many adaptations you have tried to make.

Suddenly, every memory of every experience is now being reinterpreted as it starts to dawn on you that it wasn't normal to always find it impossible to correct a stumble if you tripped on something; that the reason you were bullied in school had very little to do with the colour of your hair; and that never being selected for the football team had nothing to do with your father not being a member of the Masons.

Of course it's obvious NOW, but what a mindfuck that despite the clues being there all along, no one ever came right out and said it, so you never actually joined the dots.

As bizarre as this analogy might sound, it's about as accurate a description I can find to explain  what it feels like trying to process this discovery.

Go on, ask me...

I'm suspecting I have ADHD.

If you want, I'll happily tell you all about it.

At great length.

With lots of really interesting tangents.

So many, in fact, we might never actually reach the end...

Not a Hero

Underneath it all, truth be told, I thought I was a hero-in-waiting. 

My time would come when I would save the world.

Other things seem to have got in way quite a lot - not insignificantly the ME/CFS.

In fact the ME/CFS has been around such a long time that I have periodically revised the timetable for when I might be called upon to be the right person in the right place at the right time.

In fact, I had pretty much become convinced that the ME/CFS might mean it would never happen after all.

And this has sometimes been a cause for sadness - a grief for lost futures.

More recently, however, I've become aware that I am in fact a small child, desperate for attention, and have been for the past 5 decades.

My long-awaited expectation for the opportunity to express my heroism is actually just a sign of emotional underdevelopment.

Probably no point in sewing my pants to the outside of my trousers then...

Attention Deficit... something...

Anyone else try one of these online ADHD tests only to get bored and impatient and abandon it before the end?