tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-50875917596319948362024-03-14T02:11:15.925+00:00Somewhere to Store ThemKim Ayreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02656677501116622953noreply@blogger.comBlogger79125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5087591759631994836.post-70818376256549822722023-09-30T10:19:00.000+01:002023-09-30T10:19:07.580+01:00Diagnosis <p> When I was 24 I was diagnosed with Mensa and I've been working on how to cure it ever since...</p>Kim Ayreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02656677501116622953noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5087591759631994836.post-2076279750955056832023-06-09T21:50:00.003+01:002023-06-09T21:50:57.839+01:00What do we want?<p>"WHAT DO WE WANT?"</p><p>"Something meaningful but vaguely defined and we're not sure really but we know it's important, probably..."</p><p>"WHEN DO WE WANT IT?"</p><p>"NOW!"</p>Kim Ayreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02656677501116622953noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5087591759631994836.post-57849173193070300482023-04-11T21:41:00.004+01:002023-04-11T22:54:18.523+01:00Hop along now...<p>The revelations I'm going through at the moment, exploring the it-might-not-yet-have-been-officially-diagnosed-but-hey-who-are-we-trying-to-kid likelihood that I have ADHD, is continually shifting the whole world beneath my feet.</p><p>Imagine for a moment you reach the age of 56 and suddenly discover that for your entire life you have only ever had one leg but never realised it. </p><p>After reading other people's accounts of being a uni-ped - particularly those who weren't diagnosed in childhood - recognition of their experiences causes you to notice for the first time that you too have been struggling to perform in a world that was never really designed for you, no matter how many adaptations you have tried to make.</p><p>Suddenly, every memory of every experience is now being reinterpreted as it starts to dawn on you that it wasn't normal to always find it impossible to correct a stumble if you tripped on something; that the reason you were bullied in school had very little to do with the colour of your hair; and that never being selected for the football team had nothing to do with your father not being a member of the Masons.</p><p>Of course it's obvious NOW, but what a mindfuck that despite the clues being there all along, no one ever came right out and said it, so you never actually joined the dots.</p><p>As bizarre as this analogy might sound, it's about as accurate a description I can find to explain what it feels like trying to process this discovery.</p>Kim Ayreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02656677501116622953noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5087591759631994836.post-49436166789331183332023-04-03T11:21:00.001+01:002023-04-03T11:21:25.152+01:00The Burden...<p>"You can achieve anything you want if you put your mind to it!"</p><p>Except for the fact I can't. </p><p>I realise being told this as a child was meant as an encouragement, even a form of praise, </p><p>But I'm now beginning to understand the huge burden of guilt I have been carrying, and adding to throughout my life, for all the stuff I haven't been able to achieve - frame-worked internally that clearly I haven't been trying hard enough, so am a failure.</p><p>We do not all have the same wiring in our brains. </p><p>What is simple for some is excruciatingly difficult, if not impossible, for others.</p><p>If we all put our neuro-vastly-diverse brains together to work towards a common goal, then we can achieve almost anything.</p><p>But individually? </p><p>We did not evolve as lone creatures with all the skills needed to survive and thrive. Very few people are true loners who need no others to withstand all that life throws at us.</p><p>The rest of us need others to fill the gaps.</p><p>Together we are strong. </p><p>Alone we are puny humans, feeling guilty we do not have all the skills and abilities of an entire tribe. </p><p><br /></p>Kim Ayreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02656677501116622953noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5087591759631994836.post-12563775002761069592023-03-27T19:30:00.001+01:002023-03-27T19:30:06.595+01:00Go on, ask me...<p>I'm suspecting I have ADHD.</p><p>If you want, I'll happily
tell you all about it.
</p>
<p>At great length.</p>
<p>With lots of really interesting tangents.</p>
<p>So many, in fact, we might never actually reach the end...</p>
Kim Ayreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02656677501116622953noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5087591759631994836.post-81418826564330699032023-03-25T14:02:00.006+00:002023-03-25T14:02:48.523+00:00Gerry Rafferty's Baker Street<p>Amazing sax riff!!!</p>
<p>Boring bit</p>
<p>Boring bit</p>
<p>Boring bit</p>
<p>Oh, wait, it's coming...</p>
<p>Amazing sax riff!!!</p>
<p>Boring bit</p>
<p>Boring bit</p>
<p>Boring bit</p>
<p>Oh, wait, it's coming...</p>
<p>Incredible guitar solo!!!</p>
<p>Amazing sax riff!!!</p>
<p><br /></p>
<p>
In 1978, was anyone else try and record off the radio onto their cassette
player just the sax and guitar bits, or was it just me?
</p>
<a
href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxjfNNFtC7rfUUd-a0JcVir_JnK9wrVDoTXg9dPHBXIR_KduyiY0_j3xCV2jF7d_2zIyTJEVugyJqvmFyAk367kxlDe5rSy2WmWZyAQJnUznBd-2IqV1V2oaG_MD0uW6d4A7cjBrPgYHb2SIS-BFNGaTLtUIdijVqrW4eCna2ctSZWpBo01io3ApwLdg/s500/s-l500.jpg"><img
border="0"
data-original-height="329"
data-original-width="500"
height="264"
src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxjfNNFtC7rfUUd-a0JcVir_JnK9wrVDoTXg9dPHBXIR_KduyiY0_j3xCV2jF7d_2zIyTJEVugyJqvmFyAk367kxlDe5rSy2WmWZyAQJnUznBd-2IqV1V2oaG_MD0uW6d4A7cjBrPgYHb2SIS-BFNGaTLtUIdijVqrW4eCna2ctSZWpBo01io3ApwLdg/w400-h264/s-l500.jpg"
width="400"
/></a>
<br />
Kim Ayreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02656677501116622953noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5087591759631994836.post-8848367554936007022023-03-23T23:12:00.003+00:002023-03-23T23:12:44.994+00:00Not a Hero<p>Underneath it all, truth be told, I thought I was a hero-in-waiting. </p><p>My time would come when I would save the world.</p><p>Other things seem to have got in way quite a lot - not insignificantly the ME/CFS.</p><p>In fact the ME/CFS has been around such a long time that I have periodically revised the timetable for when I might be called upon to be the right person in the right place at the right time.</p><p>In fact, I had pretty much become convinced that the ME/CFS might mean it would never happen after all.</p><p>And this has sometimes been a cause for sadness - a grief for lost futures.</p><p>More recently, however, I've become aware that I am in fact a small child, desperate for attention, and have been for the past 5 decades.</p><p>My long-awaited expectation for the opportunity to express my heroism is actually just a sign of emotional underdevelopment.</p><p>Probably no point in sewing my pants to the outside of my trousers then...</p>Kim Ayreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02656677501116622953noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5087591759631994836.post-87885906813779773872023-01-20T11:32:00.000+00:002023-01-20T11:32:19.331+00:00Why do I have to be the grown up?<p>“Why do I have to be the grown up?”</p><p>“Because someone has to be, and it looks like you're the only one capable of being so, even if you don't want to be.” I can hear the voice in my head. It could be my mother's.</p><p>Of course, I can be right and they can be wrong – but they won't see it that way. And if I persist, then the stakes will get higher and higher until real damage is done.</p><p>It's not fair! Why am I the only one who seems to see this early enough to back down, even though I know they are the one being unreasonable?</p><p>I resent them more for this, and so part of me wants to continue escalating, wants to lash out, wants to hurt, to prove the point.</p><p>But still I see the damage that will cause, so I have to be the adult, the one to back down, even though I still know them to be unreasonable in their position. If I persist in being right, we will all lose.</p><p>Why can't they see it too?</p><p>Why do I have to be the grown up in this?</p><p>Because someone has to be, and it looks like I'm the only one capable of being so, even if I don't want to be.</p><p><br /></p>Kim Ayreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02656677501116622953noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5087591759631994836.post-60683674498761670732023-01-18T23:29:00.000+00:002023-01-18T23:29:19.421+00:00Are you normal, or other?<p>The idea of "normality" is just a loosely defined convention acting as a fragile meeting ground of vastly different ways of thinking and perceiving the world.</p><p>No one is actually "normal," instead we all overlap sections of it like a giant venn diagram.</p><p>The problem comes when, instead of understanding that no two people see the world in the same way, we are told that anyone who does not fully reside inside this construct is an "other".</p><p>Dividing the world into Us and Them has always been a way to control people. We all live in fear of being found out that there are aspects to us which would exclude us from the very narrow definition of what it is to be acceptable.</p><p>We are all "other".</p>Kim Ayreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02656677501116622953noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5087591759631994836.post-26400146955769232522022-09-12T12:11:00.008+01:002022-09-12T13:55:51.752+01:00I'm not a royalist, but...<p>With the death of Her Maj, I have seen so many of my social media connections somehow feeling the need to comment about her in a favourable way, even though they would normally count themselves as republicans, or anti-monarchy, or anti-hierarchy, or anti-being-ruled-over-by-a-stinkingly-rich-elite.</p><p>But now, they say, whatever our feelings about such things, we must put them aside because the nation is in mourning and an old woman has died and her family will be grieving and it is so disrespectful to say otherwise.</p><p>But then, why say anything at all?</p><p>Fair enough if you don't want to offend, but why join in with the posh-washing?</p><p>If one of the Kardashians (or insert any other wealthy celebrity family of choice) died, would it be fitting for me to come out and publicly say that although I disagree with the whole notion of the celebrity worship culture that is almost epitomised by the Kardashians, this is a terrible time for a family who have lost a loved one?</p><p>And if so, why am I not publicly expressing my support for the families of the 178,000 other people who die every day across the world?</p><p>In the end, the only thing I wrote on Facebook was <i>*cough* virtue-signalling *cough*</i> but didn't hit enter.</p><p>I sat staring at it for a full 2 minutes before concluding that all I would be doing is upsetting a few people for a few seconds for my own self satisfaction, and what's the point in that? </p><p>Each person's righteous outburst on FB is toxic to someone else.</p><p>So I deleted it before I could change my mind, and it was never posted.</p><p>Instead I wrote about the whole thing here on this blog post as a way of getting it off my chest, secure in the knowledge that it's unlikely to be seen by more than 2 or 3 people at most.</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p>Actually, I did also type, <i>"love the monarch, hate the monarchy"</i>, on the page of someone who has been known to write <i>"love the sinner, hate the sin"</i> about homosexuality. But I don't think they understood...</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Kim Ayreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02656677501116622953noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5087591759631994836.post-76585599721275098312022-07-01T09:17:00.004+01:002022-07-01T09:17:54.129+01:00Last time I climbed a tree<p> I didn't know that the last time I climbed a tree would be the last time I would climb a tree.</p>Kim Ayreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02656677501116622953noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5087591759631994836.post-74756953126655268152022-05-22T13:30:00.003+01:002022-05-22T13:30:33.991+01:00Good and Evil<p>
The Eternal Battle Between Good and Evil is basically the continual conflict
between compassion and selfishness.
</p>
<p>We all have the capacity for both, but which one dominates?</p>
<p>
When selfishness rules, then the world becomes a more dangerous place, a far
more unpleasant place to live.
</p>
<p>
But when compassion is foremost, then pain is eased and life feels like it has
purpose beyond just struggling to exist.
</p>
<p>Forget personified deities.</p>
<p>Forget an afterlife of heaven or hell.</p>
<p>Forget Karma over several lifetimes</p>
<p>
Quite simply, the more selfish everyone is, the more hellish life becomes.
</p>
Kim Ayreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02656677501116622953noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5087591759631994836.post-52540134514149629962022-05-17T15:14:00.004+01:002022-05-17T15:15:09.692+01:00I am alive - until I'm not<p> Somehow, I find this thought very comforting.</p>Kim Ayreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02656677501116622953noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5087591759631994836.post-253839603733262812022-05-09T09:51:00.002+01:002022-05-09T09:52:35.278+01:00And what world do you live in?<p>I don't think I want to be self employed anymore.</p><p>I don't want the endless uncertainty and responsibility.</p><p>I want a job.</p><p>But I want than job to be well paid, secure, and doing something I enjoy.</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p>Aye, there's the rub...</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Kim Ayreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02656677501116622953noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5087591759631994836.post-64184782030883077712022-05-09T01:09:00.004+01:002022-05-09T01:09:49.189+01:00Lost Potential<p> My world is a seething mass of stuff I've not done...</p>Kim Ayreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02656677501116622953noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5087591759631994836.post-87369570413038511692022-04-20T20:02:00.001+01:002022-04-20T20:02:24.585+01:00WTF, Kim?<p>
"You know," he said, "when you used to tell me about these photo shoot ideas
of yours, I would nod and smile, but inside I couldn't imagine they would look
any good. But over the years, every time you've produced something great so
I've stopped being overly concerned about it."
</p>
<p>
"So what you're saying," I said, "is when I enthusiastically tell you about
the latest shoot I'm planning to do, like this one I've just told you about,
your first thought is 'What the fuck, Kim?' which is then followed by, 'Oh,
it'll probably be OK because he's got a track record now.'?"
</p>
<p>
"Er, yes, kind of..." he said, noticing my eyes had narrowed somewhat, "but
it's a compliment!"
</p>
<p>
It had honestly never occurred to me that someone might think this way.
Whenever I get an idea, I'm so stoked about it, I assume everyone else will be
too - not that they are thinking I'm completely off my trolley but against all
the odds somehow seem to make it work.
</p>
<p>I'm still not completely convinced this is a compliment...</p>
Kim Ayreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02656677501116622953noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5087591759631994836.post-62889053567760385872022-03-11T22:13:00.001+00:002022-03-12T14:34:45.402+00:00You can't handle the truth...<p>
It's been too long since we last spoke, but I can feel myself getting upset with my brother when I
phone him and realise he is hugely downplaying the problems in his life and is
only really telling me what he thinks I want to hear.
</p>
<p>
It's been too long since we last spoke, but I can feel myself getting upset with my sister when I
phone her and not only does she <i>not </i>downplay all the problems in her life, she
fills in many of the missing details in my brother's life.
</p>
<p>And I realise I'd rather she'd only told me what I wanted to hear...</p>
Kim Ayreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02656677501116622953noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5087591759631994836.post-20326869147750519232022-02-24T19:01:00.001+00:002023-03-23T23:18:47.398+00:00Attention Deficit... something...<p>Anyone else try one of these online ADHD tests only to get bored and impatient and abandon it before the end?</p>Kim Ayreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02656677501116622953noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5087591759631994836.post-14670449654029394402022-01-07T12:39:00.001+00:002022-01-07T12:39:06.580+00:00Keeping the viewer guessing<p> As in literature, one of the most important features of a strong photographic narrative is there must be something missing. There must be a central lack or mystery that keeps the viewer guessing. Literary theorist Worlfgang Iser describes this "place of indeterminacy" in narrative as the productive meeting point of text and reader, where readers are provoked to fill in the blank themselves. In a single still image, a gap is necessary to produce the movement that creates a story rather than just a scene. Sometimes we may formulate the gap as a question: What is going on? What is tin that briefcase? What is that woman feeling? In other images, it is more of a lack of resolution that brings an image to life, an ambiguity that keeps the image oscillating.</p><p><b> - Lucy Soutter</b><br /><i>Showing and Telling: Narrative Picture to Parafictions</i></p>Kim Ayreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02656677501116622953noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5087591759631994836.post-32193950895494218432021-11-03T19:17:00.001+00:002021-11-03T19:17:14.004+00:00On Being 55 (or probably any age, really...)<p>When I look at other people who are 55, I'm struck by just how much <i>older </i>than me they look.</p><p>Until I glance in the mirror...</p>Kim Ayreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02656677501116622953noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5087591759631994836.post-12516695712958442782021-10-12T18:30:00.002+01:002021-10-12T18:32:35.757+01:00A State of Mind<p>
When I'm not drowning in deep depression,<br />or wrestling with high
anxiety,<br />or bone-achingly weary with mental exhaustion,<br />or
overwhelmed with existential angst, unable to stop staring into an eternal pit
of of the darkest nihilism,<br />then I find I'm actually quite optimistic...
</p>
Kim Ayreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02656677501116622953noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5087591759631994836.post-90754279348562872692021-03-26T19:20:00.000+00:002021-03-26T19:20:01.407+00:00Time and Energy<p>
And then the programme crashed, just as I was putting the finishing touches to
a project that I'd been working on for 3 hours, but because of the CFS had
effectively taken me 2 days of scraping together bits here and bits there.
</p>
<p>I didn't have the time or energy to do it again.</p>
<p>
Other things had far more priority and I probably shouldn't have been wasting
my precious resources on it anyway.
</p>
<p>It wasn't an important thing, just a bit of trivial fun.</p>
<p>But still I wept.</p>
Kim Ayreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02656677501116622953noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5087591759631994836.post-10580861065747238232021-03-05T10:47:00.002+00:002021-03-05T23:31:16.851+00:00I'm not OK about not feeling OK<p>Stop telling me that it's OK not to feel OK!</p>
<p>The whole thing about not feeling OK is that I'm not OK with it!</p>
<p>
I get what you're trying to say is that under the current circumstances it's
perfectly natural to not feel OK, and there's no need to add extra guilt, or
beat myself up about not being OK.
</p>
<p>But I'm still not OK with not being OK!</p>
<p>
Not being OK feels like a crock of shit, and I don't like it – it's not OK!
</p>
<p>I want to stop feeling I'm not OK.</p>
<p>
And you telling me it's OK not to feel OK isn't making me feel any better.
</p>
<p>
It might be making YOU feel better to tell me it's OK not to feel OK, because
it helps distract <i>you </i>from not feeling OK.
</p>
<p>
But it's only making <i>me</i> feel even more useless that I can't be OK with not
feeling OK.
</p>
<p>I just want to stop feeling not OK.</p>
Kim Ayreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02656677501116622953noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5087591759631994836.post-68869241568662445522020-12-25T23:44:00.006+00:002020-12-25T23:44:53.543+00:00Payment<p>I love the eating, so much.</p><p>It's the awful physical and emotional feelings of having overdone it afterwards I really hate.</p>Kim Ayreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02656677501116622953noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5087591759631994836.post-83368565120471196762020-11-25T15:27:00.003+00:002020-11-25T15:27:41.359+00:00Deceit<p>
Even after 30 years together, I think we both harbour a suspicion that after
having fallen madly in love, we had to somehow trick the other one into to
feeling the same way, and we each live in fear that sooner or later the other
is going to notice they were deceived and realise we are not worthy of their
love after all...
</p>
Kim Ayreshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02656677501116622953noreply@blogger.com0